20 Years, 20 Lessons

Today marks 20 years since I began co-creating with survivors of abuse.

From beading tables in Sri Lanka to drop-in centers in San Francisco, I’ve been shaped by the fierce young people, teammates, and partners who’ve walked this path with me. Here are 20 lessons from 20 years of building, listening, and learning together:

Start With Love ❤️

1. Start with love, not certainty. The way we show up and the questions we ask matter more than the answers we think we already have.

2. Build with, not for. The best solutions are born in partnership.

3. Witnessing is an act of love. To truly see someone without fixing or explaining—that changes us both.

4. Love can be fierce. It sets boundaries. It protects. It doesn’t flinch from truth.

5. Love is the throughline. Always. Especially when it’s the harder choice.


Lead Quietly 🧭

6. The best leadership often goes unseen. It’s in the quiet holding. The email not sent. The apology made.

7. Youth aren't the future; they are the now. They should shape the work, not just inherit it.

8. Trust is the currency that transforms. Paperwork doesn’t build movements.

9. Systems are powerful. But so is one person showing up. Some days, that’s enough.

10. Letting go is a form of leadership. Exit with grace. Trust the bloom after you.


Grow Through It 🌱

11. Unlearning is part of the journey. What once kept us safe may not serve what we’re becoming.

12. Failure is feedback. Publish the report. Give away the code. Learn out loud.

13. The body remembers. Trauma lives in cells. So does wisdom.

14. Healing isn’t linear. Neither is leadership. Spiral back, move forward, begin again.

15. Rest is resistance. Especially for those of us conditioned to prove our worth through doing.


Stay Human 🫶

16. Joy is not a luxury—it’s what sustains us. If our work can’t hold joy, it won’t hold people.

17. The most important work often happens off the agenda. In the margins. Over tea and shared meals.

18. Play disrupts power. It loosens rigid roles and opens space for new possibilities.

19. You can hold space for grief and still choose joy. They’re not opposites—they’re companions.

20. Belonging is different from fitting in. Fitting in requires shrinking. Belonging lets you breathe.


Deep gratitude to the Emerge, Freedom Forward, and LALA communities for being my fiercest teachers, fellow travelers, and mirrors.